unknown song. but i like it :D
Life without school is boring, let alone a life without friends.
Maybe its due to my ignorance and my insensitivity, I lost friends. I remember the first day i stepped into the world of my secondary studies, I told myself that i dont need friends. I hated the world, I hated people around me, everyone around me. Maybe its because during that period of time from primary 5 until then, shit happens. It led me to stereotype everyone.
Anger. That was the only thing i felt since primary 5. I could smile, but I dont. I could laugh, but I dont. Only in front of my family members, I smile, I laugh and I joke. But that wasnt really me. Brave front? Nah. A facade to be exact. Because if i do something "out of the norm" in front of my family members, there will definitely be a series of "Why?" "What?" "Who?" "Which?" "Where?" "When?" "How?" bombarded right into my face. I dont like interrogation acted on me, thus I chose to be "not me" to escape from the questions.
Primary School Leaving Examinations
I dare say I did study hard. There was then the NUS High School Admission Test. I've done pretty well, but wasnt chosen into it. Think its dont by balloting. Good thing i wasnt chosen into it, cause I wanted to go to good school by using my PSLE results. I prefer to go on the road most people are taking to go into their desired school.
That day, i went to school to take my results. I was pretty sure I could get fairly good grades, say higher than 245 for the PSLE T-score. Awaiting in the classroom seems more of a torture, and hearts are pulpitating so fast that I could hear mine in my ears. There are people who received it and literally jumped for joy (and I remember it cleary that XueQiang and HuiPeng REALLY jumped up). Many of them are so happy, and got above 240. I began to have confidence, because more than half of the class got higher than 240, and they have A*s in their Report Slip.
"FONG GUO WEI"
I bit my lips. My feet trembled as I walked up slowly. With shaking hands, I took the Report Slip. Eyes widened, eyes welled up with tears. There was dejection. I didnt do as well as I expected. Aiming higher than 245, I scored 237 on the instead. There was a difference of 8 marks. Between me and my dream school, there seemed to be an impenetrable wall. Knowing this fact, I cried.
I felt so inferior from my classmates who relatively scored above 240. Many were able to go into Nan Hua High, some in NUS High, some in RGS, some in Crescent Girls, some in RV--its their dream school. I felt envious. I felt inferior. I felt that I am too lowly for my friends. Gradually, I backed out on the idea of "Friends, the best things in life". That was when I made the mistake by penning down "I dont need friends" deep down in my heart.
Secondary Studies
Well at least I got into the express stream for my current school school, and I'll continue to strive for my O' Levels. I was doing pretty well in secondary one, that is until the Mid-year examinations. I flunked my examinations, and pretty bad scores. There was only an A2 in science, and the rest are Bs, Cs, and Fs. Some people say that I'm good enough to be in the top 10 positions, so why bother?
It matters in my scores, not the positions. In my O' Levels, I am competing with the whole of Singapore, not my class, not my school, its Singapore. And friends, I dont need them. They cant give me good grades, they cant give me top positions for O' Levels in Singapore, so why do I even need them? At least, that's what I thought of that period of time.
I remember myself being an anti-social teenager in secondary one. When people talk to me, I stare at them. I smile, but rarely. I remember myself scolding Sipei, scolding Sinyee, scolding Jinchao, scolding those who piss me off. I was practically anti-ing everyone. And I am flamboyant, which is the worst thing that obstructs you to have friends.
Everyone calls me "sissy" in primary school, in secondary school, and I
hear it so often that I feel uneasy when noone called me "sissy" for a day.
I always know I am, and I accept the fact that I am very very flamboyant,
very "gay", very "sissy".
And I remember there was this point of time, I forgot why I was counting
the number of girls and guys in our class, I think it was for a class
outing. R.B asked me to count the number of girls, so i counted. When I
turned to him and told him, his reply was "Did you remember to count yourself?" and gave a laugh. I blinked my eye and gave a cold laugh. For the rest of the day, I kept quiet.
Then there was another point of time I was talking to some girls, then I
was sitting on a chair. S.T's chair. He came by and said, "Go away la! Dont sit on my chair, later you pass your sissy germs to me!"
Then there is another time I was walking to my classroom, and I.T came to
slap on my back and asked for my name. "Why do I have to tell you my name?", and her reply was "Wah wah! Chao ah gua trying to act cool har? You think I want to know your name meh, sissy boy!"
I put their names as initials cause there is no need to defame my friends. But I'm not trying to defamethem anyway, haha, just stating the truth. Being treated like this in school, and back at home, things arent any better.
That Sentence
The moment I took the Report Book home for secondary Mid-year examinations, the demon possessed his body. Words barraged towards me--words so hurtful that every syllable seemed to cleave my heart. There was this sentence mentioned by him, a sentence that I still can remember till now.
(translated)
"To think that you still want to go for NUS High School, what a joke! You, with these kind of results, want to go to that school?! DREAM ON! You're useless and you're better off dead!"
My immediate reaction was running to the kitchen. Why? There's an open window there. You get what I mean. One of my leg was already over the ledge, then he shouted again "Come back here!" He didnt see it though. Apparently, I didnt jump off for freedom. My legs were so obedient to walk me back. Then he lash out a belt and a 1.3cm thick, and a meter long stick. yes yes, i measured it. The stick raised and then lowered down. I squeezed my eyes tight to brace myself. There was a hot feeling soon after. Double attacks were done, but minutes later, the stick broke, and finally it stopped.
The Aftermath
I know I deserve the beatings, I deserve to be punished for flunking my examinations. Slowly, I accepted the fact that I'm incompetent and worthless, and I should be in hell rather than living on. That is when my self-mutilating habit comes into my life. Throughout the rest of the year, I slit my wrist and dug out flesh from my hands using my fingernails. I indulge myself in cult practices, gore, and hurting my own body.
Even though Mary, Sinyee and I were in rather good terms, I didnt think of them as friends. But deep down, I long to scream out that I need friends, and I believe in friendships. They try to persuade me out of those unhealthy practices, but eveything was in vain. Then, there is this angel sent from heaven.
Ms Olivia Lee, a temporary English teacher. She knew of these stuff, and she didnt persuade me out of it. Then she brought the class to Pastor Kong's "The Spooks Show", but the fact is, she is aiming at me. She want me to turn away from cult practices. She succeeded. I stopped those practices because she introduced me to God, the greatest love of all.
I was glad that she came to me, because if not for her, I would not have believe in love, in friendships and in true happiness. She is the one who does not persuade me out of unhealthy things, but she is the one who made me believe in the light of hope.
Pandora's Box-Greek Mythology
Because man stole the fire that was supposed to be used for her creation, she decided to punish them by opening the enchanted box. All the evil, diseases and illnesses, despair and sorrow were released into the world. Pandora then sealed the box in time to leave something for mankind. What was sealed in the box? It is HOPE. Even though you will experience sorrow and despair, deep inside you, lies HOPE. It is HOPE that brings life to us, to let us see the brighter future, the lighted path in midst of the darkness.
I saw hope, because that angel removed the blindfold from my eyes. She was the reason why I remain optimistic in life, she was the reason why I feel so carefree in life, she was the reason to what I have now. Thank you, Ms Olivia Lee, thank you so much. Thank you..
But soon after, she left this school. I began to be misguided, again.
What exactly happened to me? (: Stay tuned XD
its a long naggy post, i know, but at the end of the next post, there are many many codas to be noted of.
On the next post:
What misguiding did i went through?
What happened after that?
What changed my thoughts on "I dont need friends"?
How did i lose my friends?
you can see how bored i am :D